He Mantis
by Kelly the Vampire Witch
Summary: Xander is concerned when all the girls at Sunnydale High become obsessed with the new English Teacher.
1. Chapter 1

A/N What would have happened if one of Natalie's Eggs (Teacher's Pet) came back to Sunnydale?

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Nathan French smiled as he walked up the steps to Sunnydale High School. It seemed fitting to come back to the place where he was born.

Xander noticed something was wrong, Buffy and Willow has both stopped talking and where staring at the man walking up the steps. "That must be the substitute English Teacher" Willow smiled.

"God he's hot," Buffy commented before Nathan walked up to them.

"I'm looking for English Room 259." He informed the two girls who had lost all verbal ability.

"I can show you where it is." Cordelia came up in her skimpy cheerleading uniform. "It's nice to finally have a real teacher around here for once. I'm Cordelia Chase and these losers are Xander, Willow, and Buffy. You won't have to remember their names."

"I'm look forward to seeing all of you in class," He said before he followed Cordy into the building.

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Xander didn't like it. All the girls, not just Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia, but all the girls right down to Amy and Harmony seemed to be under this new teacher's spell. Okay so the guy could quote Shakespeare. Who couldn't? He needed reinforcements. He needed Giles. "Hey G-Man, I need to talk to you."

"Is something wrong with Buffy?" Giles looked up from his book in concern for his Slayer.

"And every other girl in Sunnydale. They're all gaga over this new English Teacher." Xander said sitting down at the study table with Giles.

"Xander, don't scare me like that. For a moment I thought it was something serious."

"It is something serious Giles, this guy is working some bad mojo on the girls."

"I highly doubt that."

"Okay so why did they all raise their hands when he asked who would read Juliet for him?"

"I'm not saying that they do not find this man mildly attractive. I'm saying that it falls under the realm of normal teenage hormones. Unless you can give me some more disturbing information than my Slayer is actually paying attention in English class I'm afraid I can't help you."

"Oh I'll find something on this guy just wait and see and then all of you will feel stupid for doubting me." Xander stood up and stormed out of the library.


	2. Chapter 2

"Follow the creepy bad guy back to his lair, great idea idiot." Xander scolded himself as he stood outside Nathan's house inside a prickly bush under his windowsill while the rain came pouring down. After three hours he was soaked, miserable, hungry, and ready to leave when one of the Cordettes walked right up to the house and knocked on the door. "What is Tiffany doing here at this hour?" Staying focused on the window Xander watched as Tiffany came inside, giggled, flirted, drank alcohol, had sex with Nathan on the couch, and had her head bitten off when Nathan turned into a big giant pray mantis.

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"Giles wanted proof, I'll give him proof." Xander walked into the library the next morning with his biology book under his arm. The fact that he could study and research he accredited to Willow and Giles, who had been giving him more of the research load lately. "Hey Giles, did you know that the male pray mantis is carnivorous too?"

"I'd heard that." Giles agreed.

"Well Mr. French is a big giant He-Mantis and he killed Tiffany Matthews last night."

"You can't be serious."

"I saw the whole thing big guy. I just can't understand why it took me so long to figure out. Probably because I thought it was only the female that was cannibalistic during sex."

"Xander what you're saying."

"Is scary and creepy and yet it's true so excuse me while I go to class and make sure that he doesn't eat anyone else, before you can give me a bat sonar and a large machete."

"Why you?"

"Well Buffy's not going to do it and as one of mamma's victims I feel a certain obligation. Have them ready for me after school. I attack tonight." Xander walked out of the library with a determined and focused look on his face. He finally got to be the hero.

"That boy is insane," Giles decided and yet he still got the equipment ready for Xander after Willow confirmed that Tiffany Matthews was indeed missing.


	3. Chapter 3

"Okay so for tomorrow, I want everyone to write their own version of the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Really dig deep and try to imagine what the characters are feeling." Nathan smiled at the class. "Oh Cordelia, could you wait a moment?"

"Of course Mr. French," Cordy smiled wickedly at Harmony as she walked up to the teacher's desk.

"I was hoping to have a production of the balcony scene in the Sunnydale Art Festival next month, and I was hoping you would agree to be the student director." Nathan explained.

"Wow, I mean I never thought of myself bossing people around, but if you really think I should do it. I'd love to try." Cordy said sincerely.

Harmony snorted bitterly, "What a shock, CC says Si, Si."

"How about we have the first production meeting at my house tonight at seven," Nathan smiled at her eagerness.

"I'll see you there," Cordy smiled as she glided out of the classroom.

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"I can't believe Xander thinks Mr. French is evil," Buffy told Willow as they staked out Mr. French's house. "I mean he's really so jealous that he's going to try to kill the only hot teacher Sunnydale has ever had."

"And Cordelia was telling everyone about her little meeting tonight." Willow agreed axe in her hand.

"Buffy," both girls turned around to see Angel.

"Hey, Angel. I'm sorry we can't talk but we are on a very important stake out." Buffy explained.

"I heard, listen Giles thinks that Xander might actually be right about this one. Maybe you should give your friend the benefit of the doubt." Angel suggested.

"Not you too. Why is every guy in Sunnydale out to kill Mr. French? I mean just because we broke up you think you can control who I like." Buffy vented.

"You like him?" Angel pouted.

While Angel kept the girls distracted, Xander had snuck inside the house waiting for Cordelia to arrive. He knew he should be nice and kill the monster before it attacked Cordelia, but it won't do her any harm to learn the same lesson he had about going to strange teacher's houses for sexual liaisons. If it happened to bite off her head before he rescued her, well it was still only Cordelia.


	4. Chapter 4

"Yes Xander, for the hundredth time you were right and all the girls at Sunnydale High would have been pray mantis food without you. You big strapping hero you." Buffy told Xander sarcastically as they walked into the library.

"The He-Mantis was destroyed I take it?" Giles asked.

"Yeah Xander killed Mrs. French's evil love child." Buffy confirmed. "I'm still not sure how one survived. I mean we all saw Xander smash all the ones at her house."

"I guess it's just one of those crazy questions we're never going to be able to answer." Xander shrugged. Buffy gave Giles a look.

"I think I'll do some more research." Giles headed towards the books on bugs.

"Well at least things are quiet again." Buffy sighed sitting down at the study table. "I was thinking of trying out for Juliet in Cordelia's production."


End file.
